I know. I also read the title and was like, you sure that's the hill you wanna die on?

Yes. He does die on that hill, but an awesome death, and like Jesus, it saves. Alain De Botton, is the man I am talking about, and the hill is an article he wrote for the New York Times titled "Why You will marry the wrong person". In the article, Alain makes sense of this statement and explains how it applies to almost all of us, then goes to show that it is more than it seems. I haven't read the article, but I stumbled upon the video during the day and decided it was worth an entry in here. So let's get started.

So what exactly is the reason we will marry the wrong people

It is simple; we are all very peculiar individuals. If each one of us was honest with themselves, we realize we have some very amazing attributes, along with some batshit crazy characteristics. Everyone has a different package and while we expect to complement each other, most times we just drive each other insane. He goes on to mention how our upbringing shapes how we perceive love, and how the batshit stuff we experienced with parental love later affects how we love as adults.

One important thing he says is that love is as important an issue of life as health, finance etc. and it is naïve to expect yourself to figure it all out. Many industries exist to inflame our perception of love and this ignores the side of love that gives us a lot of anger. The problem is that people do not talk about it, unless it is the sweet rosy stuff which is a non-existent fairytale. The silence leads people to depend on their experiences and expectations, which don't always match reality, hence rendering them unable to handle pain.

What's even worse, our capacity to truly handle the truth about ourselves is very small. Our parents know all the things that are wrong with us but they're too sweet to tell us. Our ex lovers also know so much about us, but when they left, they probably didn't let us know to avoid drama. As such, sometimes when we are confronted with truths about ourselves, it feels as an attack and prompts us to trigger our defense mechanisms. Until you know yourself, you can never truly love someone.

So we marry the wrong people because we are wrong people?

He doesn't actually ask this, but I put it in here because it popped in my head as I watched him. My thoughts; not necessarily. At some point he severally mentions maturity and the ability to both convey and manage expectations. Marrying the wrong person becomes an issue when both of you refuse to grow; to mature. Which brings me to the next thing;

It is not that bad

Apparently, marrying the wrong person is not that bad, he says. In fact, the only people available for marriage are wrong people, as nobody has exactly the kind of peculiar that matches yours. So essentially, instead of wasting life looking for the right person, get a good enough person. It feels like settling. It is settling. Because everybody settles. Whether you wait for the perfect person or pick one that's good enough. But why is this so? Why settle?

Because we often misinterpret what love is. We often think loving is the same as being loved. We go into love expecting the warm fuzzy feeling, all the fine things in life and any other euphemism pop culture has created for the positive emotion. We forget that love often involves dealing with negative emotions too. Are you dating? Remember how you saw your partner during those early days. How do you see them now? Note the difference? Was it easy dealing with the difference? Nobody prepared you for that.

Two things he says that struck me and has stuck with me is that one, love is allowing room to explain your partner's actions. Cut them some slack. They are going to drive you mad, make you hate being in love, but you will realize it will still be difficult to leave them because of the many other things they fulfil in your life. Love is giving your partner's actions the freedom for explanation, as that is what's at the heart of trust; knowing that they might act in a disagreeable manner and still accepting that their actions will have an agreeable reason to them.

The second thing, which I have experienced first hand, is that when we are corrected by our partners, it is very easy to perceive correction as an attack. We often move to defend ourselves before thinking how our partner may be trying to make us a better person. When we are unable to take correction, every conversation is always at risk of degenerating to a shouting match. I have found myself raising my voice at my partner and the shame afterwards was incredible. Once you raise your voice in an argument, it means logic has gone out the window and a shouting match is incoming.

My lesson from De Botton is to keep close tabs on myself and my inner thoughts, ideals and expectations. Understanding myself is a bigger priority, going forward, than availing my emotions to another person. I cannot truly love someone until I know how I love. Communication is also very important as it enables partners to convey their expectations to each other, avoiding the pain of unmet expectations. Ultimately, however, I always expect trouble. Not just in my relationships, but in life generally. Growth and maturity is expressed in how one responds to trouble. Growth is inevitable, hence, so is trouble. You will definitely marry the wrong person if you cannot deal with trouble, and how you deal with such trouble is what determines whether y'all are 'good enough' for each other.

With that, I pen off.